


And I Don't Mean Maybe

by violetchachkii



Category: Degrassi
Genre: F/M, Teen Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-12
Updated: 2010-09-02
Packaged: 2017-11-25 18:50:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 20
Words: 14,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/641903
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violetchachkii/pseuds/violetchachkii
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant," - Phyllis Diller. Written from August 12th, 2010 to September 2nd, 2010.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Disclosed

**_"Any fact that needs to be disclosed should be put out now or as quickly as possible, because otherwise the bleeding will not end." ~ Henry Kissinger_ **

*

Clare sighed and looked across the table, her head high and eyes set. "I'm pregnant," she announced.  
Adam, who sat across from her, shook his head, "No, that makes you sound angry. You have to seem more sad, like "You did this to me…my life is over."

Clare groaned and looked at her hands, which were folded on the picnic table they sat at. She never thought she'd ever have to do this. She was always a good Christian girl, going to church every Sunday, pledging abstinence. A with this all, she still ended up getting pregnant. How did that happen?

Well, she knew exactly how it happened. She and Eli were bored; it was as simple as that. Now don't get the wrong idea, it wasn't like "Oh, we're bored, let's have sex." No it was way classier. At least Clare hoped.

"I don't get it," Clare looked up, her eyes glassy.

"Well it's kind of your fault for thinking "I've got it," was a viable source of birth control," Adam shrugged. Clare glared back.

"I'm screwed," she concluded, leaning back more. There was no doubt in her mind that her life was over. She was going to be a mom…at 15. She had to think of everything that was going to happen. She was going to have to tell people, like Eli for example. But more importantly, she'd have to tell her parents. How could she do that? It would kill them.

Her thoughts were interrupted, "You're gonna have to think of something quick," Adam was standing next to her, "Here comes baby daddy," he mumbled and walked away. Clare turned around and saw Eli approaching her. She faked a smile, which he returned full heartedly.

"Hey," he said, taking a seat next to her.

"Hey," she whispered, "We need to talk."

He nodded slowly, waiting for her to continue. She took a deep breath and tried to think of what she should say. Her practicing with Adam was no help at all. She was going this alone.

"Um…I'm pregnant," she blurted out. She mentally cursed herself for not setting it up for him.

Eli's eyes widened for a second and he cleared his throat while digesting the information, "Um…okay…"

Clare knew she needed to clarify, "It's yours…"

Eli nodded, calmer than intended, "Oh…well…are you sure?"

"I'm pretty sure…I'm going to the doctor today…Adam's coming with me," she answered. Her heart was racing and her palms were sweating. She had expected him to be much, much more freaked by her revelation. But no, he was unrealistically calm.

"Well, do you want me to come?" he asked, slightly awkward. He wasn't sure how he felt on the entire matter. It hadn't completely gone through his head yet. He was sure it was going to hit him harder later.

"Nah, you don't have to. I mean I think I'm going to handle this myself. You know, less stress on you," she stood as she said this, "I have to go."

"Um…see ya," he said as she walked away. He stared across the table at the throngs of teenagers who were lazing around, carefree. They didn't have to worry about being a father. No, they didn't have to worry about anything. He envied them.

Now, you're probably wondering a lot of things. Why are they reacting the way they are? Well, to explain, Clare and Eli weren't dating when she got pregnant. Or after, for that matter.

It started on a normal day, unlike any other day. But isn't that how everything starts? They were at her house, working on their latest writing assignments. Eli had already made his way through her entire paper, but she was still working on his. Every now and then he'd look over at her. He couldn't get over how adorable she looked when she would bite her lip or smile sweetly.

When she had finished, Clare set the paper on the coffee table and smiled at him. "That was surprisingly great," she commented. He smirked his usual smirk.

"See, ye of little faith," he replied. She returned his previous smirk.

That was the exact moment Eli leaned forward and caressed her lips with a kiss. It was gentle and unexpected, which made it entirely more heart racing. The kiss slowly escaladed into more.

And that is how it began. With a small peck on the lips. A kiss that was random and innocent. That was how that miracle came to be.

Eli sighed as he thought back on that memory. Then he remembered Clare's current position. He stood and walked to the nearest garbage can, promptly hurling his guts up.


	2. Legitimate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "A prince never lacks legitimate reasons to break his promise." - Niccolo Machiavelli

The only thought racing through Clare's mind as she sat in the downtown OBGYN office was that it smelled like antiseptic. She thought it would be different than the normal doctor's office; well, at least its smell. But no, it was just like being in Dr. Wilson's office when she was 5 years old, getting her kindergarten check-up.

The blond looked up and over at her friend who sat next to her. Adam looked back, his hands clutching the clipboard and pen they'd received. Clare was too chicken to fill it out herself and asked if Adam could help her. He had simply nodded and grabbed the items.

"Are you ready yet?" he asked, his voice calm and normal. This time she nodded and turned to him, letting out an extended breath.

"Okay…I'm ready."

They went on filling out the usual information like her age and the like. When Adam turned the page however, the questions got more difficult.

"Have you been having any morning sickness?" he asked, scripted. He looked up at Clare and smirked. She shook her head.

"Not really…" she thought back, "Unless you count that bag of spicy jalapeño Doritos I ate and then promptly puked up."

"Okay…morning sickness…yes…cravings…yes," Adam wrote out. Clare laughed quietly and looked back down at her lap. She was glad Adam was there with her. But part of her still wished that it was Eli who was sitting next to her.

She pushed that thought away quickly. She had told him she didn't need him to be there for her. She wanted to go it alone. The truth was that she wanted the opposite. She wanted him to be there forever, with her. She wanted him to tell her it was going to be alright and that things would work out. She wanted him to hold her until she felt better. But that would never happen…

Clare blinked and went back to finishing the questions. What felt like ages went by until she was finally called back by one of the nurses. She reluctantly followed and was brought into a room that was even more antiseptic than before.

Out in the waiting room, Adam looked up as the front door opened and closed. In walked Eli who looked completely out of place and awkward. He looked around until he finally came upon his best friend and almost sprinted over to him. He sat in the seat Clare had previously been in.

"Dude, don't act so obvious," Adam rolled his eyes as he flipped the page of the Parenting Magazine he was glancing at. Eli sighed loudly and settled into the chair.

"Did she already go in?" he asked, twisting one of the rings on his fingers nervously.

"Yeah…just left," the other boy set the magazine down and looked lover at his friend, "She's really freaked, you know."

"I know," Eli whispered, quieter than usual, "I feel like an ass for doing this to her."

That being said, they sat there in silence the rest of the time. Eli was still trying to think things all the way through. He came so he could prove to Clare that he wasn't going to be a deadbeat. He was going to be there for her the entire time. He's support any decision she made. He'd have to.

Finally, Clare came back out. Her eyes widened when she saw Eli sitting there. She walked up to both of her friends and smiled. "You actually came," she noted.

He shrugged like it was no big deal, "You know…thought I should be here for you…and my kid."

Adam noticed their exchange and raised an eyebrow. "I'm gonna walk home. Eli…you should drive Clare," he excused himself. They said their goodbyes and he left. The other two headed out to the hearse.

The car ride was silent and awkward at first. Clare was staring out the window while Eli stared straight ahead at the road. But finally the blond couldn't stand the silence anymore.

"Um…the baby's healthy from what they could tell. I'm about 7 weeks along," she informed, tugging on the hem of her shirt. He nodded and continued driving on. She nodded to herself and continued staring out the window.

He dropped her off, but before she got out of the car, Clare turned to him again. "I'm really glad you came today. But you really don't have to. I don't want to stress you out too much."

Eli looked back at her, his eyes serious. "I want to be there for you. And our baby…" he looked her in the eyes, "I'm going to do the right thing."

Clare felt her eyes welling up and quickly wrapped her arms around him. He returned the embrace, which was over too quick. In seconds she had disappeared out the door and into her house.


	3. Promise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing." ~Mark Twain, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer

Clare stared at her reflection in the mirror the morning after her appointment. She was just staring at herself, looking up and down. She looked like normal Clare, the girl who was innocent and naïve. But on the inside she was impure. She was one of the girls that people would stare at and whisper about.  
She had promised abstinence. She had the ring on her finger to prove it. Virginity was something scared in the church. She had gone and wasted it in a moment of traitorous lust. She couldn't get it back even if she tried.

No, she was pregnant. And standing in front of that mirror at that very moment made her realize it was real. She was really going to have a baby.

The blond girl walked over to the sink and ripped her ring off her finger. She felt tears starting to form on the brims of her eyelids. Her head lifted, blue eyes meeting identical ones. And with the flick of her finger, the ring was tumbling down the drain.

Clare looked down at the sink. She let out a relieved sigh and ran the water just to make sure it was down. She gripped the sink tightly and cried the rest of her tears. Her body shook and convulsed, racked with raw emotion. She'd have to get it all out before leaving to go to school.

Another day. She would have to endure yet another day with the scar of a broken promise on her. She felt like she should stitch a huge red "A" onto her blouse. She'd have to go on with the thought of people staring at her, as she got bigger. People would whisper. Rumors would harbor in every conversation.

She felt a shudder go down her spine and stood up straight. She wiped her eyes and left the bathroom, hurrying down the stairs. She ran out the door before either of her parents could say anything. She wanted to walk to school. She needed more time to think.

Eli knew he should be getting out of his car the moment he arrived at school. Yet something was keeping him from moving a muscle. He needed to think even more. He'd been doing a lot of that lately…

His mind was on hyper drive. He couldn't stop his thoughts from controlling each and every one of his actions. Not like that was very different, but yet it was. It was like he had to think through everything before he acted. He had to think how it would affect Clare. How it would affect his baby.

His baby.

Finally something was going to be his. There was something that no one could take away from him. He was going to care for that child until the day he died. He didn't care what Clare said. He was going to be there.

He sighed and opened the door, stepping out to start the day.

*

"No one is staring at you," Eli reassured Clare as they sat at their normal table outside during lunch on the same day. He watched as she looked around, a paranoid glint in her eyes.

She turned to him, "I know no one's staring at me…I'm just imagining what will happen when they start to."

Eli let out a long breath. He looked back at her and took her chin in between his thumb and index finger. "Screw what they think. People are jerks."

She nodded, her face so soft and trusting. She looked absolutely radiant. And in a split second, his mind finally not thinking everything through, Eli leaned forward and captured Clare's lips in a tender kiss. She pulled away slowly and stood up.

"I…um…have to go," she sputtered, grabbing all her things. She raced off quickly, leaving Eli mentally kicking himself.


	4. Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Time heals what reason cannot." ~Seneca

Two months passed before Clare and Eli spoke again. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about what happened. It was more that she was avoiding him. But that was impossible when they were finally assigned yet another writing project together.

She was in midst of typing up the final paragraph of her paper when Clare looked over at Eli who sat at the computer beside her. He looked so interested in what he was doing, typing away furiously. She sighed and turned to him.

"The baby is okay," she whispered, placing both her hands over her stomach. Her baby bump was just starting to become noticeable and she made sure she covered it up even more.

Eli turned to her. "Um…that's great," he wasn't completely sure how to respond. He hadn't stop thinking of Clare and the baby for the months they hadn't talked.

Clare smiled at him and bit her lip. "Yeah…I also wanted to tell you that I found out the baby's gender too. I'm having a boy."

He nodded, his head spinning. He wasn't sure what she wanted him to say. They hadn't spoken in the longest time and he'd spent it all worrying about them. Did she want him to help her now? Her and their son.

Their son.

He was going to have a son. Even if Clare didn't want him involved, he'd still have a son. He felt a smile cross his lips.

"Cool."

*

Clare ate her dinner quietly as usual. She picked at the food on her plate; looking up at her parents who sat across from her, quiet as ever. She remembered when they used to talk about their days and such. But now they just sat in silence, filling their mouths quickly so they wouldn't have to talk.

She sighed and stood, bringing her plate to the trash, scraping the food off. Her mom quirked an eyebrow.

"Clare, aren't you going to finish your dinner?" she asked, sounding concerned, though Clare could see right through it. She set her plate in the sink and stood behind her seat.

She knew this time would come. She needed to tell them the truth. But what if it tore them apart even more? How could she do that?

"I'm…just not that hungry," she excused, giving a reassuring smile. Her mom nodded, unbelievingly. Clare nodded back and walked into the living room.

She sat on the couch, her nose buried in her book. But she was interrupted by the sounds of her parents bickering in the kitchen. She rolled her eyes and tried to keep reading, but the sounds were too loud. She had had it. She just wanted them to stop.

She walked back into the kitchen, to tell them to stop yelling. That was when it hit her. She finally just said it, to get them to stop yelling.

"I'm pregnant," she said. They both stopped in mid-fight and stared at her. She clenched her fists, ready for the questions.

"You're what?" he mom asked, an accusing tone in her voice. Clare sighed.

"I'm pregnant. Four months."

It was an hour before someone finally spoke again. They sat in the living room, all staring blankly in thought. Clare's father finally stood up and looked at his daughter.

"You need to leave," he said clearly. Clare looked up at him, her eyes glassy.

"What?"

"Get out of my house," he told, and stomped away. She looked at her mother, who nodded in agreement.

"I'm sorry, sweetie," she whispered as she got up and followed.

Clare left. Tears were pouring out of her eyes as she stood outside. The wind chilled her to the bone while she walked down the street. But she didn't care.

She finally grabbed her phone out of her pocket and dialed Eli's number. He picked up on the first ring.

"Eli? My parents kicked me out."


	5. Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing." ~Unknown

Eli was out the door before Clare could say another word. How could they do that to her? She was their daughter! They were supposed to care for her through the good and the bad. They were supposed to accept her even when she made mistakes, even one this big.

"Where are you?" he asked, already in the front seat of the hearse. He started it up and pulled out, anxiously awaiting her answer.

"Um…I don't know..." she cried into the phone, hugging herself tighter.

"I'll find you," Eli replied and hung up. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, gritting his teeth. He was fuming with anger. If he didn't need to help Clare, he would go and show her parents what he thought of their reason.

But he couldn't think of that right now. He had to focus on finding Clare. He drove passed her house and slowed looking out the window, which he'd rolled down. He called out her name a few times, his pulse thudding in his ears. He had to find her. He had to make sure she was safe.

He eventually saw a figure slumped against the wall of an apartment building. He saw from the silhouette that it was Clare. He immediately stopped the car and ran out. She was bawling and curled in on herself. She looked so terrified, so alone.

He closed his eyes for a second before sprinting over to her. "Clare?" he said, kneeling next to her. She looked up, her eyes filled with tears. Her cheeks were red and lined with mascara. Eli swiped his fingers across them, trying to hold himself together.

"You're freezing," he commented, a tiny smile on his lips. She returned it bitter-sweetly and wrapped her arms around him. He returned the embrace and picked her up, holding her in his arms. She buried her face in his shoulder as he carried her to the passenger side of the car. He set her down in there and hurried over to his side.

Once he got in, she looked over at him. "Thanks Eli," she mumbled.

*

Eli opened the door to the small apartment his family shared and gestured for Clare to go in. She obliged and looked around. The place looked old and lived in. It also looked like some creative minds lived there.

A woman with long, graying blond hair came out of the visible kitchenette, wiping her hands on a cloth. Behind her followed a younger girl with long brown hair and blue eyes, rimmed with heavy eyeliner.

"Who's this?" the elder of the two girls asked, setting the towel down on the couch in the living room. Clare could see that her hands were covered with blue paint.

"This is Clare, mom," Eli said, looking over at the girl next to him, "Her parents kicked her out."

Eli's mother looked the blond up and down, her face curious, while the brunette behind her mouthed something to Eli. "Well…she can stay here as long as she wants," his mother answered, grinning slightly. She looked over at Eli and gave him a stern look however. With that, she disappeared back into the kitchen.

That was when the brown haired girl stepped forward. "So you're Clare?" she asked, her eyes twinkling with realization, "Eli talks about you so much."

Eli gave the girl a look and then turned to Clare. "This is my sister Eva. And she was just going back to help mom," he said the last part to his sister, who held up her hands, which were also covered with paint. She turned and walked away.

"You're family seems nice," Clare commented. He merely nodded and gestured for her to follow him. He led her to a room that was painted bright red and had various band posters hanging on the walls.

"You're going to have to share my room for now," he looked around and led her further into the room. "You can borrow clothes from Eva. And anything here is yours too."

She looked around and smiled. "Thanks so much, Eli," she said again, sitting on the bed. He shrugged.

"Least I could do," he distracted himself by throwing random things around, straightening up. Clare smiled brighter.

"Here," she patted the seat next to her. He turned and sat, unsure. She looked at him with shining eyes and grabbed his hand. She played around with his fingers for a while before taking it and placing it on her stomach, in the center of her baby bump.

Eli looked up at her, his heart racing. She put her hand over his.

"Our son," she said.


	6. Almost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I won't wait patiently, or wake up every day just hoping that you still care…" ~Kate Voegele, Forever and Almost Always

Eva Goldsworthy ran her finger across the blue wall, leaving a long red curve. She stepped away to admire her work. A grin played on her lips and she began drawing more shapes all over the newly painted wall.

She took handfuls of paint and threw them fiercely at the wal, her heart pounding and pulse racing. She could hear it vibrating in her ears as she chucked one last paint glob at the wall before leaning over, her breath coming out in pants.

Once she had recovered, she stared back at the wall. It looked like a murder had been committed only a few steps away. She smiled proudly and wiped her hands on the wash cloth that sat on the table a few paces away.

She walked out into the living room but was greeted by a familiar figure standing in front of her. She groaned and pushed past him.

"What do you want, Eli?" she asked, sitting on the back of the couch. The boy turned to his sister and shook his head.

"I'm sorry you're jealous, but I really care about Clare-"

She cut him off, "Why would I be jealous of you two? I'm your sister now, remember."

Eli sighed and leaned on the couch next to Eva. "You knew things would change when the papers were signed. Mom told you that. We couldn't be together anymore and I found someone else."

"I know that!" she put her head in her hands, but came up quickly, "But that doesn't mean you're allowed to forget about me!"

"I haven't!" he countered. The room was silent for a while. The only sound that could be heard was Eva sniffling. Eli looked over at her and wrapped his arm around her.

"Evi…I know it's a big change… but I love Clare now. I can't do this anymore with you. You have to be my sister…that's it. Us going round and round is over. Right now."

With that, he stepped off the couch and retreated back to his bedroom. Eva hung her head down again, tears streaming down her cheeks.

*

Eva picked her toast apart the next morning as she sat at the table. Her appetite was shot and she was still exhausted from lack of sleep. Her mother had asked if anything was wrong, but the brunette just gave a reassuring smile.

That exact moment, Eli and Clare walked into the kitchen. The two siblings eyed each other, thinking of the previous night's exchange. Eli sighed and looked over at Clare, who smiled at him. He returned the grin half-heartedly.

The morning was awkward as everyone ate their breakfast mindfully. It wasn't until Ms. Goldsworthy broke the tension.

"Eli," she said, her voice lively and happy, "Remember that Eva starts school at Degrassi today."

"How could I forget?" he grumbled. His mother rolled her eyes and ruffled his hair. He gritted his teeth and fixed it, slightly annoyed.

"So Clare dear…" the woman continued, "any inkling why your parents threw you out?"

"Mom!" Eli tried to interfere.

Clare shook her head, "It's okay. They kicked me out because I'm…um…pregnant."

At that, Eva looked up and glared at Eli. She stood and placed her plate in the sink before stomping off to her room.

*

Outside, Eva leaned against the hearse, smoking a cigarette. Eli came out and shook his head at her.

"You're 16…you're going to get cancer by age 20," he commented. She simply flipped him off.

"So that's what's up. You knocked her up," she concluded, flicking her cigarette.

"It's not that simple."

"Whatever," she tossed her cigarette on the ground and stomped on it. She started to walk off.

"What are you doing?" he called after her.

"Going to school. I'm not waiting for your little hussy girlfriend."

Eli sighed and walked back inside, but not before watching Eva turn the corner.


	7. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Secrets are made to be found out with time." ~ Charles Sanford

Clare tugged at the hem of the large, black t-shirt she wore. It was Eva's, so that made Clare even more uncomfortable. The other girl didn't seem to like her very much, but Eli had just told her Eva was someone you had to warm up to. He said maybe they should talk. Clare had agreed, begrudgingly.

That was why she was on her way over to the intimidating brunette who sat up against a tree by the rows of picnic tables. She was looking straight ahead, her gaze hard and angry. Clare sighed and approached her.

"Hey…" she started, but was immediately stopped.

"Go away," Eva said her voice soft and monotone. She didn't even look up to see the blond girl as she spoke.

Clare could feel herself getting angrier. It was the stupid hormones. "I don't know what your problem is or what I did…"

"You're a slut," Eva finally looked up, "A slut… who fucks around with other people's boyfriends."

"What are talking about?" Clare inquired, trying to push aside her offense.

Eva rolled her eyes dramatically and scooted over. "Take a seat."

Clare reluctantly obeyed and looked at the other girl, waiting. Eva looked forward again and sighed heavily. There was so much sadness and hurt in just that exhale alone. It was most likely going to be a long story.

"I've been in foster care since I was about 4. Last year, I was sent to go live with the Goldsworthy's. They were awesome. Celeste, Eli's mom, taught me about art. Rodger, his father, became like a father figure to me. But neither of them compared to Eli. He and I just had this connection. It was like we were on the same wavelength with everything. We secretly dated for a while until his parents dropped the bomb that they'd be officially adopting me. Eli got weirded out and called it off. But he kept coming back to hook up with me even after we broke up. And then you came…and now I'm so lost."

Clare tried to digest everything Eva had said. She couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't told her about her. She had told him about everything that went on with KC before him, and he couldn't owe her the decency to tell her that he had Eva.

She turned to the brunette next to her. "I'm so sorry…you deserve better than that."

Eva gave a small smile. The girls hugged for a couple seconds before Clare got up and left.

*

Eli stood at his locker, tossing his books in uninterested. He had way too much on his plate to care about that right now.

He turned to shut his locker, but some else did that for him. Well, more slammed it.

"You weren't even going to tell me about her?" Clare fumed her hand on the locker door. Eli raised an eyebrow at her.

"What are you talking about?"

"You and Eva! She told me that you two were together. I can't believe it!"

"She told you?"

"Yeah…but the bigger deal is that you didn't," she took a deep cleansing breath, "If we're going to have a baby together I need to be able to trust you."

"You can. It was before I met you. She's the one making a huge deal out of it," Eli countered.

"That's not the point!" Clare put her head in her hands and muffled her shriek. "You know what…I don't care anymore. I'm going to do this…on my own."

"What are you saying?" Eli asked, incredulously.

"Whatever we were…it's over. I don't want to see you ever again."

With that, she stormed off.


	8. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I will always love you," ~ Whitney Houston, I Will Always Love You

Eli was numb. He just sat there, staring at his bedroom door. He traced all the crevices with his eyes. They existed, but were dulled down so they no longer looked like real cracks. But they were still there. They could sand the wood as much they wanted but the twists and knots would never disappear.

When he finally started feeling something, hate was the first word that came to mind. He didn't hate Clare for breaking up with him. He didn't hate Eva for telling Clare about the two of them. No, he hated himself. He hated himself for believing that he and Clare would've ever worked out. He was just being greedy thinking that she would reciprocate his feelings.

After the hate passed, he could only feel love. It was an emotion that was such a contrast to his previous state of mind. His heart ached for Clare so much it physically hurt. He wanted to touch her, hold her, love her. He had messed it up though. Why did he always do that? Why couldn't he ever prevent himself from breaking his own heart?

His mind switched over to Eva. He didn't know his feelings for her. He remembered when they first met. They were each other in the other gender. She was witty and smart. Whenever she'd look at him, he'd melt. But there was no way he had been in love with her. He didn't want to be lonely anymore. He wanted some one who would care about him. Someone to love him.

He was knocked out of his thoughts by a soft rapping on his door. He didn't respond, just blinked and waited for his guest to either leave or come in. They apparently chose the latter.

"Eli," it was Eva. She stepped all the way in. Her face was soft, yet pained. She looked like she'd been thinking too deeply about something. Something that didn't concern her, yet it did. She looked as if she'd aged years with only a few hours of contemplation.

The boy sat up fully on his bed. "I'm sorry, Eva," he knew he owed her something. She shook her head and sat at the foot of his bed. Her eyes looked soft, shining like the ocean. But instead of that reminding him of their fling, he thought of Clare. She had the same eyes.

"I think I should be the one saying that," she replied, her voice quiet and innocent. She looked down at her lap. Her shorts had ridden up to reveal the scars all up her thighs. Eli examined them like he had so many times. He reached forward and ran his fore finger up the longest one.

"I didn't mean to hurt you," he said truthfully. He could feel the raised bump of the healed scar. His finger couldn't stop feeling it as much as his brain told him not to.

"I know you didn't…" she looked across the room at one of his posters, "I was just jealous. You brought this new girl you were crazy about in and I thought you'd forget about me."

She sighed heavily and put her hand on top of his. She intertwined her fingers through his and toyed with one of his rings. Like him feeling her scars, it was her thing with him. Whenever she was scared or nervous, she'd grab his hand and feel better. She'd slide the ring up and down, feeling the ease of it going up and down his smooth skin.

"I love her," Eli breathed, looking at their hands. Eva looked up at him, her eyes glassy with tears that threatened to fall.

"I know," she nodded, a tear sliding down her cheek. Eli inhaled sharply and ran his free thumb down her cheek.

"Don't cry, Evi," his lips flickered with a small smile. She smirked, grinning.

"You know I'll always love you…" she confessed. He nodded, knowingly.

"I will too. But I won't always be in love with you," he explained. She looked down at their hands and pulled her small one out of his grasp. Eli kept his on her leg. He closed his eyes and removed it, tugging the ring she'd obsessed over off his finger. He handed it to her.

"What's this?" she asked, looking at him. The entire time she had known him, he'd never taken it off.

"Keep it. I know how much you love it."

She smiled again and leaned forward, hugging him. He returned the embrace. When they pulled away, Eva stood. She smoothed her jean shorts, fully covering her cuts. It was like putting the scars of Eli to rest. She would still have to look at them, but for now, they were gone.

She was just about to leave before turning back into the room.

"She loves you too…" she told, "She's just scared."

*

Clare was staying with the Torres' that night. Adam had welcomed her to stay with them the second she told him about her and Eli's fight. She sat on her friend's bed, flipping through a discarded comic book.

"So who is this Eva girl anyway?" Adam asked as he walked back into the room with a laundry basket. He started folding up his things while waiting for Clare's response.

"Eli's beautiful sister slash ex-girlfriend," Clare sat up all the way on the bed. Adam looked over at her with an eyebrow raised.

"Excuse me?"

"She's adopted. They dated when she was still his foster sister. But they broke up…sort of. She'd still obsessed with him."

"Then what's the problem? They broke up," Adam reasoned. He didn't completely understand what Clare's entire issue was. She seemed to be overreacting.

Clare stood up and walked over to Adam. She grabbed one of the clothing items off the top of the basket and started folding it. "But I had to wait for her to tell me…not him. He was going to keep that from me forever."

"Sometimes guys don't want to hurt someone so they don't tell the whole truth…" Adam explained, "And the past is the past. That's why they call it the past."

Clare sighed. She was just hurt that he was going to keep Eva from her. It wasn't like it mattered that he had dated her. It was just that he kept it a secret. And they had seemed very close. She had said they were still doing stuff together when he had slept with her.

Adam continued talking, "All I'm saying is that you should try talking to Eli. He really does love you. Anyone with eyes can see that."

The blond girl looked up at her friend. She smiled. "Thanks Adam. You're a great friend."


	9. Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over." ~Paul Reiser

Clare and Eli both approached each other at the same time. They stopped in the hallway. Clare looked down.  
"I think we need to talk," she mumbled, shifting her feet.

Eli smirked, "I think we do."

They decided to skip English to much dismay of Clare. They drove far away. Eli wanted to get as far away from real life as they could when they talked. That way things wouldn't seem so real. They wouldn't have to worry about everything standing in their way. They could only worry about each other.

He pulled the car over by the side of a barren field miles away form Degrassi. Clare looked around, a little freaked.

"This looks like one of the places the ax murderer brings the innocent girl to in a horror movie," the blond commented, looking at the boy beside her. He gave her a tiny smile.

"Trust me…you're safe," he reassured, jokingly. Both of them let out small, awkward laughs.

It became quiet all too quickly. Both were trying to gather their thoughts and what they wanted to happen. It was hard to put into words what each wanted to say. Little did they know that the other was thinking the same exact thing.

Eli was the first to speak. He hated the silence and had to break it. "I don't…love Eva," he confessed.

Clare nodded, "I know."

"I know you know. I just want you to know that you're the only one I care about like this. You're the only one I want to be with."

Clare digested what he had said. She never knew that he felt that strongly for her. She knew that she did, but thought Eli was a stone. He was always so strong. Nothing, especially love, could break through his tough exterior.

It wasn't like she expected him to never love anyone. It was more that she thought he'd never have to say it. The girl would just know and want to do anything for him so he would love her. He'd never have to say it because they would always strive so hard to get him to that point.

And she, Clare Edwards, was the girl.

"You're my best friend, Eli," she began, "We're having a baby together. I love you…so much. But I think…I think we should wait. Until after the baby is born. I want to make sure that we can get through anything. It's the perfect test."

"What do you mean?" Eli felt his heart breaking. He'd opened but his heart to her and she was turning him down completely.

"I'm not saying we aren't good for each other. I just want to see if you feel this way when we're parents. Okay?"

"Fine," Eli breathed, torn apart, "We'll wait."

*

"What does that mean…'I just want to see if you feel this way when we're parents'?" Adam asked as he hung upside down on their group's usual picnic table.

Eli shrugged and sighed, tossing another torn apart stick onto the ground. "I guess she wants to see if I'll love her unconditionally."

"But you do…" the other boy responded, sitting up. Eli looked over at his best friend.

"She doesn't get it. And that sucks," the Goth boy concluded. He picked up another stick and started breaking it.

"So is she going to let you help with the baby?"

"I don't know. I think so…" he closed his eyes, "I hope so."

Adam put his hand on Eli's shoulder, "Well…if she does…you have to prove to her that you were meant to be. You have to be a great dad."

Eli inhaled deeply. "I'm going to be a dad…" it hit him hard. He stood and started pacing. "I'm only 16! I'm going to be a father!"

"You just figured that out?"

Eli ran his hand through his hair, "How am I going to do this? I don't know how to be a parent. I don't even have a job. How am I going to pay for the kid?"

"Get a job?" Adam said, sarcastically.

"Okay…that I can do. But what about everything else? Clare doesn't even have anywhere to live!"

"She's staying with my family. I told them that she's pregnant and we're going to help her. When she has the baby…you can figure that out. But for now…she's okay."

Eli nodded repeatedly; "Okay…" he took in a deep breath, "Okay…"


	10. Protect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Every man I meet wants to protect me. I can't figure out what from." ~Mae West

The arrangement Clare and Eli had worked smoothly for 3 more months. They didn't speak very often, except for things concerning the baby. They had agreed it would be easier that way; easier on Eli anyway.  
But people were starting to definitely know that Clare was pregnant. She felt like a walking planet every time she had to hobble through the halls. It was like parting the red sea whenever they saw her waddling by.

She stood at her locker, on her tiptoes, trying to reach the top shelf. It wasn't that she was short; it was that she needed to extra help to do things. She hated relying on people that much. She wanted to just get this over with as casually as possible. "

Here," Eli had seen her struggling and reached up, grabbing her history book.

Clare smiled thankfully at him. "Thanks," she said, tucking the book under her arm, "It's so hard to-"

She was cut off by a body slamming into her from behind. The book went flying across the hall and Eli had to catch her to keep her from falling. Once she was steadied, the Goth boy looked at the offender, who was none other than his archrival, Fitz.

"What the hell?" he interrogated, walking up to the taller boy. Fitz looked down at Eli and glared.

"She was in my way," he smirked. Eli gave him a fierce shove, which was returned in full force. Soon, their small shoving turned into a full blown fight, fists involved.

"Stop it!" Clare yelled, trying to pull them away from each other. Her efforts were stomped when a hand pushed her roughly against the nearest locker. She didn't know whose, but it was strong enough to make her back throb where it hit.

Soon enough, a teacher came out and stopped it. They were all three sent to the principal's office.

*

Clare stormed out of the office after being condemned to a 2 hour after school detention with Eli and Fitz. She hadn't done anything but was still in trouble.

Eli jogged after her. "Hey! Wait up!" he called. She turned fiercely, her lips tight.

"What do you want?" she asked, shifting her bag on her shoulder.

"Aren't you gonna thank me?" he asked like it was so obvious. She crossed her arms and scoffed.

"For what, getting me a detention?" "For protecting you." She exhaled angrily. "So that's what that was. Then thank you… so much," she said, sarcastically. She took off in the other direction, but he caught her wrist.

"You're mad," he stated.

"Of course I'm mad! I have a detention because of you. Not to mention a welt growing on my back from where I got slammed against a locker."

"I'm sorry."

"No," she clenched her fists, "Stop saying you're sorry. I'm done with sorry. Just leave me alone…okay. I don't need your help. I never did."

"Fine," he gave in. He was done bargaining with her. If she didn't want his help, she wasn't going to get it.

"Good," she turned and walked away. And he let her.


	11. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "'Tis not enough to help the feeble up, but to support them after." ~William Shakespeare

Clare knew that telling Eli to not help was a bad choice. She needed the help more than anything as time went on. Now that they weren't talking, she didn't have her rock to depend on.

Soon, another month passed and the baby's birth date came closer. She had a month to get everything together. She had spent so much time with her Eli drama; she didn't know what she was going to do with the baby.

She was 15, almost 16. Having a baby would drastically change things. She was positive of that. She didn't even have a house for herself to live in, let alone a growing child.

Clare spent the passing weeks thinking of that. Then the doctor's bills started showing up. Now, not only did she have to care about figuring out her thoughts, she had to pay for it. That was torture.

She had never been one to ask for help. She had always been independent. Most of her younger years were spent with her caring for herself while her parents dealt with Darcy, who was much more dependent. She maintained her grades and friends, though sometimes that was tough. But she made it through. That was the important part.

*

Eli didn't care that Clare had said to leave her alone. He took it as a lesson that he needed to grow up. He needed to become responsible if he ever wished to have the responsibility of keeping his baby.

He had quickly applied for a job at the garage a little bit away from Degrassi. The owner's name was Tony and he told Eli that he had had a lot of great mechanics from Degrassi. He gave the young boy the job almost immediately.

So he worked there almost every day, saving up all the money. He was going to live up to his promise. It didn't matter that she didn't want him. He was going to help Clare.

Even though he had said he didn't care…

*

Clare caught on to where Eli was working. She'd see him go there everyday after school. So after a week of inspection, she decided to go there to talk to him.

She walked into the garage, gagging at the smell of oil and gasoline. The sounds of various machines whirling and grinding resounded throughout the entire building.

Eli was elbow deep in the hood of a pretty disgusting looking car. Clare noticed him groan and wipe his forehead, leaving a trail of oil on his forehead. The blond girl walked up to him.

"Hey!" she attempted shouting over the sound. He didn't look up and she kept trying. He finally did look at her. He had the most irritated expression.

"Can I help you?" he asked, grabbing a rag off the roof of the car. He wiped his hands on it and leaned against the side of the car.

Clare looked at her feet. Well more her stomach. "I really think we need to talk."

He pursed his lips and nodded. "I'm a little busy right now, but how about after I finish this car?"

"Sounds good," and she left to wait outside.

*

They sat at The Dot; Eli sipping his coffee while Clare tried to get comfortable in one of the outside chairs.

The older boy set his coffee down, "So what did you wanna talk about?"

Clare looked up at him and smiled. She missed talking to him so much. "I miss hanging out with you," she told truthfully.

"But you said you didn't want me in your life," he pointed out.

"I know I did. It's just that this has been so stressful right now. And you tend to bring drama by the boat load."

Both of them laughed at her comparison. Eli picked up his coffee and took a long drink. "That's me…the S.S. Drama," he joked.

Clare sighed, "Anyway…what I'm saying is that I miss you. I miss…us."

"So do I," he admitted.

"And that I really need your help because I don't think I can do this alone any longer."

He nodded and looked deep in thought. She bit her lip waiting for his response.

He smirked, "We were good, weren't we?"

"We were great," Clare answered.

Eli smiled and leaned forward, capturing Clare's lips in a kiss. And this time…she didn't pull away.


	12. Ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To believe in love, to be ready to give up anything for it, to be willing to risk your life for it, is the ultimate tragedy." ~Leonardo DiCaprio

Clare and Eli sat in the doctor's office while he looked at the newest ultra-sound picture. Both of them were trying hard to hide their anticipation, but were failing miserably. Whenever the doctor would move an inch, one of them would jump, ready to hear the information.  
He finally set down the picture and smiled at them. "Your baby is healthy as ever. It's clear that you've been very concerned with his health. And your own…"

Clare nodded and smiled, relieved. "Yeah…I've been taking vitamins and following the diet you gave me at the beginning."

He leaned back in his chair and nodded. He looked the two teenagers in front of him up and down curiously. "Concerning your ages…do you have a plan for what you want to do?"

Eli looked over at Clare. They hadn't really discussed what they wanted to do once the baby was born. They were so wrapped up in the drama of their real lives they hadn't even thought about the baby that it all revolved around.

Clare looked down at her large belly and ran her hand down it. It wasn't that she wasn't ready for the baby. She was definitely ready to have him. She wanted to stop walking around in the fat suit she had on everyday for 8 months. What she wasn't ready for was what she wanted to decide for his life.

She didn't know if she and Eli could be parents. They were only in high school and she didn't even have a job. How were they going to pay for him? How were they going to take care of him? How were they going to make it so his life was a good one?

"We haven't really talked about it," she confessed after clearing her thoughts. The doctor nodded yet again and sat up, folding his hands on his desk.

"Well first you have to consider…is keeping him still at option?"

They both looked at each other. Eli shrugged slightly. "Whatever Clare wants to do."

"I was really thinking that that was what we were going to do," she told, looking at her hands.

"You know that it will be one of the hardest things you'll ever do if you keep this child," the doctor pointed out.

"We'll try," Eli said, kind of defensively.

The older man continued, "Is adoption on the table as well?"

"Um…I haven't really thought about it," Clare answered.

"Well…it is your choice," he concluded, "But just make sure you consider all your options."

*

The two of them sat on a bench at the park. Clare was eating a hot dog she'd bought from a street vendor, though she wasn't focused on it. She was more looking at Eli who looked completely spaced out.

"Are you okay?" Clare asked, after chewing completely. Eli looked over at her.

"Yeah…I'm fine…never better," he responded, using his index finger to wipe a bit of mustard off of Clare's chin. She smiled and wiped it herself.

"You just seem a little…out of it," she pressed on.

He exhaled, "It's just that…that doctor acts like we can't handle this…he's basically telling us to give our baby up."

Clare sighed and set her food down, "Look at me," she grabbed his chin and turned his head, "It's gonna be so hard for us. Heck, it already is. But we're ready for this."

"So you're saying that we're going to keep it?"

"Yeah…we are…"


	13. Birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Birth is the sudden opening of a window, through which you look out upon a stupendous prospect. For what has happened? A miracle. You have exchanged nothing for the possibility of everything." ~William MacNeile Dixon

It was only a few weeks before Clare went into labor. She was still living with the Torres' and they took her to the hospital immediately. Six hours later, she gave birth to a healthy baby boy.  
The strawberry blond girl lay exhausted in her hospital bed, her eyes flickering with sleep. She wanted nothing more than to fall into a deep sleep and relax for as long as possible. But she had told Adam to promise to keep her awake until Eli got there.

"I called him like 20 times…he's on his way," her friend reassured. He pushed some of Clare's hair back out of her face. She smiled weakly.

"Thanks so much. For being here…" she said for about the fourth time. Adam smiled lightly.

"It's okay, Clare. Really. Least I could do for a friend," he replied.

They were interrupted by the sound of someone clearing their throat in the doorway. Both their eyes met Eli's, who was panting and looked worn out from running.

"I should…go," Adam said and stood, almost sprinting out of the room. Clare smiled at him as well as Eli.

"Hey," the older boy said as he walked further into the room.

"Hey?" she joked, "That's all you can say?"

Eli rolled his eyes and walked up to the side of the bed. Clare scooted over a bit and Eli sat on the edge. He ran his hand down her cheek slowly.

"You look beautiful," he mumbled. She shook her head.

"I'm sweaty and gross…"

"You had my baby…" he cut her off, "Nothing could make you anymore beautiful in my eyes."

"How wonderfully cliché of you," Clare said back, cynically. He sighed defeated and kissed her gently.

*

They stood before the nursery in the maternity wing. All the newborns were lined up, most sleeping, some crying. But right in the second row was a little baby boy who was all theirs. He lay there, silently sleeping.

"He looks like you," Clare whispered, leaning her head on Eli's shoulder. He looked down at her with his usual smirked.

"He's perfect," he mumbled back, kissing the top of her head. She looked up at him and grinned brightly.

"Thinks it's too late to return him?" she joked.

"We could try."

They looked back at their son. He was gorgeous, so small and innocent. He didn't have to care about having teenage parents. He didn't care if they couldn't afford him. All he cared about was being cared for like he should be.

"You know we have to name him," the blue-eyed girl pointed out. Eli nodded and focused on his son intently.

Clare thought of something, "How about Luke?"

"How Christian of you," he responded. She glared.

"I've always wanted to name my kids after the Evangelists, you know. I think Luke is a good place to start."

He shrugged, "So Luke…what about a middle name?"

"You pick."

He exhaled and cleared his mind. He looked at the baby closely again. "How about Adam?"

"Adam…" she nodded, "Luke Adam Goldsworthy."


	14. Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "All things truly wicked start from innocence." ~Ernest Hemingway

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beginning of Part Two.

It wasn't like Clare got to just skip out of school after she had Luke. But that was what she thought would happen, at least for a little bit. But no, she had to go like every other sophomore, right after having her baby.  
She and Luke had moved back into the Goldsworthy's house once they'd come home from the hospital. They were both residing in Eli's room, to mock being like a little family. The other plus side was that Celeste was an artist and worked from home, so she could watch Luke everyday.

It was really great that Eli's parents helped out as much as they did. It was making things so much easier than both the teens had thought it was going to be. Even Eva would help them with things like changing and putting him down for a nap. That made it 20 times better as well.

Sure, people talked. The school was a buzz about Clare and Eli and the baby. But like always, the two of them continued on with their days, ignoring what others said. It wasn't much different from how it was before. Rumors were rumors. They'd never completely go away.

Overall, their lives were pretty perfect.

But it had to be considered that Eli was still a teenage boy. And Clare a teenage girl. They both had things they wanted to do that Luke prevented. Celeste was very lenient on the rule of "when you're home, you take care of him." That didn't mean, however, that they could just skip out.

Sadly, it usually ended up with Clare at home taking care of Luke while Eli was missing in action.

One day in particular stuck out in everyone's mind. It had been about 3 weeks since Luke was born and Clare couldn't get over how beautiful he was. She wanted nothing more than to spend all her time with him. That was why she was planning on spending Friday night with him and her boyfriend.

Eli had other plans though. He picked his keys up on the table and jingled them in his hand subconsciously. He had made it to the door when Clare looked up from couch, their son cradled in her arms.

"Where are you going?" she questioned, slightly hurt. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck.

"It's Friday night…I was going to go hang out with Adam," Eli answered, shuffling. He wanted to get out of there before a fight broke out. It seemed like Clare's hormones were worse after she had the baby. That was the only problem he found with their situation.

"I thought you said you were going to spend the night with Luke and me," the strawberry blond persisted.

He did remember promising that. However, he believed she would forget when the last day of the week rolled around.

"I…um…forgot," he lied, shrugging his shoulders. Clare sighed loudly.

"Whatever. I was just thinking that we could have one night. But go out…I'll stay home."

He felt like a jerk now. He had to make it better. "I'll be back by eight…I promise."

"Don't bother," Clare stood and rocked her baby, "He'll be asleep by then."

She walked out of the room and down the hall. Eli exhaled and left, with his conscious heavy.


	15. Without

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Without him, I feel his arms around me." ~Eponine Thénardier, Les Miserables

Clare laid in the bed she and Eli shared, running her fingers down the side of the bassinet which Luke was fast asleep in. She could see his content face through the grated lines. He looked so peaceful, without a care in the world.  
She smiled and looked up at the clock on the dresser. 9:43. She frowned and looked back down at her baby. She sighed and pushed her fingers through the side, running them down Luke's face. He smiled cutely, bringing another grin to Clare's lips.

The only thing that troubled her at the moment was how late Eli was. It wasn't that it was really that late, but he said he'd be back at 8. This was just another one of his promises that he broke. He'd been doing a lot of that lately.

She closed her eyes slowly, letting herself relax. He'd be back soon. If she didn't think about it, it would be quicker.

That very moment, Eli walked in the door to their bedroom. He was so quiet Clare didn't even notice. He saw her half asleep on the bed and without taking off his street clothes, laid next to her, wrapping his arms around her.

She started awake and looked back at him. "You're home," she pointed out in a low whisper.

He nodded and placed a small kiss on her lips. "I'm sorry I left…I promise I'll stay with both of you tomorrow."

"You really think you can promise that?" Clare asked, facing forward again. She stared at Luke, feeling for him. He deserved to know that his dad was truly going to be there.

"Yes."

*

In the morning, Clare was awake with Luke while Eli was still out cold. She kept looking at the hallway, waiting for him to walk out. Of course, she'd always be disappointed and would look back down at her son.

"Daddy is such a bum sometimes," she joked, talking to Luke. He smiled like he had the night before. She leaned down and kissed him on the forehead.

It was another hour before Eli finally woke up, making it 12:30 in the afternoon. Annoyed, Clare turned to look at him walking into the room.

"Good morning," she said, irritation laced in her voice. He grumbled incoherently and walked into the kitchen.

The younger girl stood and followed him into the kitchen, rocking Luke gently. She watched as he grabbed a granola bar and ate in curiously. He was looking at her the whole time with his eyebrows raised.

Once he was done chewing, he spoke. "What?"

Clare rolled her eyes, "When you're done eating I was thinking that we could take Luke for a little walk. You know…get out for a little bit."

"Why?" he asked, throwing the wrapper away from his "breakfast."

"I don't know," she said, angrily, "Spend some time together…like a family."

He mumbled something under his breath in return and walked into the living room. Clare followed him yet again.

"If you're so hell bent against it, we don't have to," she continued.

"Whatever you want to do," he said, irritated.

"You're mad now."

"No I'm not…I'll just go get dressed…whatever," he exited down the hall. Clare felt her eyes welling up for no reason. She looked down at Luke. He still had a smile on his face.


	16. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When you have to make a choice and don't make it, that is in itself a choice." ~William James

Clare and Eli walked beside each other, Eli forcibly holding Luke. Clare didn't understand why he didn't want to hold his son and why she had to basically push him into his arms.

"Why don't you want to spend time with Luke and I?" she asked instead. He groaned.

"Are you going back on that again?" the older boy challenged, looking down at her.

She sighed, "It's just…you said you were going to be there for us…and when all you do is avoid him that's kind of hard."

"I don't see why it's such a big deal that I spend time with you guys. I take care of all the important stuff…what else is there?"

"Ever heard of being a parent?" she countered, angrily.

"Ever heard of I am," he spat back. Clare stopped and stared at him incredulously.

"Do you even hear yourself?" she questioned, icily, "Why are you making everything so hard for us?"

Eli stopped as well, "I'm the one making things hard? You're the one who questions every little thing I do. So I don't want to be with you every minute of the day…what's wrong with that?"

Clare felt herself starting to tear up. She put her head in her hands and finally let herself cry. She wanted to show him what he was doing to her.

"No…" his tone softened, "Don't cry…please."

"Then stop making me!" she sobbed, looking up at him. He was about to speak when she shook her head. "Don't…"

She took Luke from him and turned around, walking back to the house.

*

Clare sat on the roof of the house. It was nighttime so the only light was the moon and the small stars that could be seen in such an area as Toronto. The slight wind tossed tresses of her own hair in her face. She'd have to swat them back every couple minutes when they got unbearable.

She felt a chill go over her and hugged her knees tighter. She was up there to think. Things were getting so complicated with her and Eli. She thought he was perfect. He was going to be the dad he had promised to be. But he kept betraying her, therefore losing the trust he'd built up. Causing her to lose to her faith in them handling this…

Footsteps crunching on the old shingles of the roof sounded behind her. She turned and saw the figure of a girl about her age coming towards her. The figure finally came into the light, revealing Eva. She looked solemn and taken over like always.

"Hey," the brunette called out, inching nearer. Clare nodded at her, not wanting to speak. But of course, the older of the two wasn't going to give up with just that. Instead, she sat next to Clare and hugged her own legs in a similar fashion. "Rough day at the office?" she asked, her facial expression still the same.

Clare laid her head on Eva's shoulder and sniffed. She had already gotten done crying and wasn't going to do anymore of it. She was all out of tears. What she really needed to do was make a choice.

Eva put her arms around the girl and hugged her closely, "What's going on?" she whispered.

"I can't do this anymore," Clare admitted, "I need to decide what I'm going to do with Luke."

"What do you mean?"

The blue-eyed girl pulled out of the embrace she was in and looked at Eva with serious eyes. "I think I'm going to put Luke up for adoption after all."

"Wait…" the other girl interjected, "You can still do that?"

"Yeah…" Clare looked across the city, seeing a lot from the roof, "Eli's not ready to be a father. I'm not ready to be a mother. It's as simple as that."

"And you think you can deal with that? Giving him up?"

She nodded, "Yeah…I just need to know that someone supports me."

The two girls looked at each other. Eva nodded, "You're like my sister now…I'll be with you the whole way."

"Thank you so much," Clare hugged the other girl tightly.


	17. Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I think that somehow, we learn who we really are and then live with that decision." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

It wasn't for another week when Clare finally decided to tell Eli about what she was planning on doing with Luke.  
He was sitting peacefully on the bed they shared, either reading or doing his homework. She couldn't particular tell what it was he was doing, nor did she care very much. She was too focused on being able to spit out her "epiphany" as one might say.

She stepped completely into the room and sat at the foot of the bed. Her weight transferring on the edge was what caused Eli to look up from his book. He eyed her curiously as he marked his page and set the novel down.

"You look worried," he noted, giving her his undivided attention. Clare let out an awkward half laugh and looked at her feet. She examined her shoes closely. Her mind kept yelling at her to stop distracting herself, but she couldn't help it. She didn't want to break the heart of someone she loved with just a single rash statement. It was something she had to think through and put gently.

"I've been thinking," she began, twisting her fingers weirdly. It hurt but she didn't care. It was something to take her mind off of the task at hand.

"Oh this is going to be good," he interjected sarcastically. The blue-eyed girl shot him a pseudo-glare, which he simply laughed at. She smiled at hearing his laugh. Laughing was one thing neither of them had been doing lately.

She stopped herself though. She had to focus back on telling him the truth. Her choice. Her decision.

Clare let out a loud sigh and continued, "This whole thing with Luke hasn't been working out. It's turned us into people were not. I know we said we'd do it together and be in love like it is in the movies, but we're being torn apart. Our entire lives are being held together with thin threads. That's why…I've decided to put Luke up for adoption."

She held her breath and waited for his response. He was staring above her head, looking deep in thought. She tried to decode his facial expressions, but they were too guarded to do so.

He finally responded, "So I don't even get a say in what happens?"

She knew it was too good to be true. That is, him agreeing with her and making it easy. Of course he'd start being a father the second she tried to relieve him of the duty. That was just the way Eli worked.

"It'll be better for him. He'll go to a loving family who can take care of him the way he should be. Everything will work out fine. I promise…" she attempted to reassure him. She knew that it was like breaking through stone though. Tough and rock solid.

"So the going gets tough and you just want to give up?" he was fuming by that point. She didn't understand it though. He had seemed so uninterested in being in Luke's life only a day ago. There was no way he could've changed his thought in only 24 hours.

"I'm making an adult decision for the benefit of our child," she threw back at him. She wasn't going to make herself sound dumb when she announced this. She had to prove to him that it was the right thing to do.

"Fine…do whatever you want…" Eli said bitterly, "It's not like he's both of son."

"Eli, you sarcasm isn't needed right now," She started rubbing her temples in irritation, "You know this is just as hard on me as it is you."

"Then here's a thought," he seethed, "Don't give him up."

Clare jumped up from the bed and started pacing, clenching and unclenching her fists. She wanted so badly to just go ape-shit and beat the living daylights out of the closest thing to her. But that wasn't the way to prove a point. That just showed that you are mentally unstable.

The blond turned to her boyfriend with gentle eyes, "You're going to be a great dad, Eli…when you're ready."

"Who says I'm not ready now?" he continued. He looked like a pouting two year old who got their favorite toy taken away. There was no way he was going to give into reason. He just wanted his toy.

Clare walked back over to the bed and kneeled in front of him. She had calmed down and was starting to think rationally again. She ran her hand down his cheek, her fingers feeling the outline of the bones in his angry, hollow cheeks.

"I'm sorry, baby," she said, uncharacteristically. She was never one to use a pet name, but found it fitting in the situation. She needed something to make him feel closer to her. So he could trust her. Trust her judgment.

"You don't get it Clare…you never will. I can't just give up on him. He's my son," Eli attempted to explain.

She kept stroking his cheek, "It's okay. This is the right thing. His life will be great if we just let him go."

He shook his head persistently. "What if it's not? What if his new parents are worse then we would ever have been?"

"We can't think of that. We have to think that wherever he is, he's happy. Don't focus on the negative. Think of the positive."

They were both silent for a couple minutes. Clare kept her hand where it was and stared into his emerald eyes. They were so hurt that it killed her. But he slowly softened and warmed up to the idea.

"Okay…" he gave in, tears in his voice. Clare wrapped her arms around him and held him close. They stayed like that for the rest of the night.


	18. Through

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping" ~Chinese Proverbs

Tim and Laurie Bauman had been trying to adopt a baby for two years before Clare and Eli were directed to them by their adoption agency. The couple had been married for 6 years and had decided to put their careers before having children. This turned out to be futile when Laurie was found to be unfertile. It was devastating but when the two teenagers showed up at their door, a glimmer of hope was restored.  
Laurie was a petite blond woman who worked as a wedding planner. Most expected her to be snobbish from her appearance, but she was quite the opposite. She was actually very soft spoken and kind. But the one thing she wanted in life right now was to be a mom. She felt like it was she was now being called to do.

When she answered the door of their suburban house to find the two parents of her hopefully adoptive son, she couldn't hold back a smile. She beamed and gestured them to come inside quickly. They followed looking around the welcoming home.

"Shit…" Eli mumbled in awe. Laurie turned back to him.

"What?" she hadn't heard him completely, but guessed what he had said. She loved that reaction whenever people stepped into their home. She tried to keep it at top shape.

"Eli was just admiring your wonderful home," Clare answered swiftly, pinching the back of her boyfriend's arm. He grabbed the spot she had dug her nails into and mouthed "Ow" to her.

In the living room sat Tim Bauman. He was a pretty built man, with a charming smile and perfect brunette hair. He was a surgeon himself and that was where most of the funding for their beautiful home was from. He too had wanted a child for a while now and was glad that Clare and Eli were ready to give them theirs.

Also, there sat the agency representative, Mrs. Hallstead. She had been helping the Bauman's with the adoption process from the very beginning and was thrilled for them to finally be receiving their first child. She knew they deserved him more than anyone.

"Please have a seat," Laurie offered, sitting down next to her husband. Clare and Eli both sat on the small loveseat across from them. It was really close, but Clare liked that. She grabbed Eli's hand for reassurance. He squeezed it back, very nervous himself.

Mrs. Hallstead was the first to speak. "So your papers say that Luke is 6 weeks old…"

Clare nodded, "Yes…" she turned to the couple in front of her, "I'm sorry it's late but we were planning on keeping him…but things got too difficult."

"Oh, it's alright…" Laurie interjected quickly, "I'm sure he's lovely."

"He's a handful," Clare replied.

For the rest of the time, they discussed how everything was going to play out. The papers were all signed and they agreed to meet again in a week to officially sign Luke over to them. Clare and Laurie did most of the talking, while Eli eyed Tim carefully. He wanted to make sure his son was going to the right family.

*

During the car ride home, Clare spoke the moment they got into the car. "I like them…they're nice and seem very homely."  
Eli nodded with his eyes still on the road. He wasn't so sure about the whole adoption thing. He still wanted Clare to say they could pull out and keep Luke. But there was probably no way that was going to happen. Her mind was set and there was no way of changing that.

"You've been really quiet," she pointed out, still looking at him. She wanted so badly for him to say something. Just talk to her. Tell her that they were making the right decision.

"I guess I'm just waiting to wake up," he confessed, still focused on driving.

Clare quirked an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

He sighed loudly and explained, "I'm waiting for this to all be a dream and for us to go back to being normal. I hope that if we're going to do this…it's the right thing. Our lives will go back to being like they were."

"They will. And we'll be together through it all. I promise you."

He nodded another time and zoned out again.


	19. Over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened." ~Dr. Seuss

Clare knew it wasn't safe to be holding Luke whilst driving to the Bauman's house a week later. But she wanted to spend as much time with him as she had before giving him up. He was fast asleep in her arms, so content. He was completely unaware that his entire life was going top be altered in only a couple hours.  
They pulled into the driveway that was familiar now. Eli looked over at Clare after pulling the keys out of the ignition.

"You sure about this?" he asked, his voice already breaking slightly. But Clare knew he was going to stay strong throughout the whole thing. That was him being Eli. There was no way he was going to show weakness,

She looked down at her baby, "Yeah. I'm, sure."

They entered the large house for a second time, after being let in by Tim this time. Laurie walked in from the kitchen that had a door leading to the living room. Her face looked so happy at seeing Luke. There was no way neither of Clare nor Eli could take it from her. Luke had been hers from the beginning.

"He's beautiful," the older woman said, looking down at the sleeping baby.

"Do you want to hold him?" Clare offered, changing his position. Laurie nodded and gently lifted him out of Clare's arms. She held him perfectly and close to her heart.

"Hey Luke, baby," she whispered to him, using the fingers of the hand supporting his head to run through the barely-there hairs on his head. He smiled in his sleep, bigger than ever.

Eli looked over at Clare, who reached out her hand to him. He grabbed it and they both smiled. It was going to be hard to let go, but it was the right thing. He belonged there.

*

They were granted an open adoption, meaning that they would get yearly updates on Luke and how he was doing. Laurie was even gracious enough to allow them visitation, so they could see him every couple years. For that Clare was eternally grateful.  
The weeks after were hard, but they stuck to their promise. They stayed together through it all. Through the tears, the laughs, the frowns, and the smiles. They missed Luke greatly, but the best thing they could've done for him was give him up. The Bauman's were really going to love him.

For the rest of their high school lives and beyond, Clare and Eli were together. As time wore on, the hurt of giving up their baby waned. Soon, it was like he wasn't there's anymore. He never really was.

The two of them ended up getting married when Clare was 25 and Eli was 26. They knew by then that they could make it through anything.

A year later, Clare had another baby, a little girl named Madison.

And this time…Eli was ready.


	20. Epilogue: Etcetera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Still round the corner there may wait, A new road or a secret gate." ~J.R.R. Tolkien

A 29-year-old Clare Goldsworthy sat at her kitchen table, flipping through the assorted mail items they'd received for that day. The sun shown brightly, casting its beams down on the mahogany table. She had left the curtains open so she could look out every now and then to see her husband, Eli and daughter Madison in their backyard. And at that exact moment, she looked up at the sight.  
She watched as Madison's tumbleweed of golden hair bounced and swayed as she ran around. The joy on her face radiated off her smile and ocean-blue eyes. She saw the little girl turn around and face her father, laughing giddily.

Eli swooped his arms down and picked the small child up, lifting her into the air. He brought her down to eye level and gave her a peck on the cheek. She giggled again and returned it with a sloppy kiss on his forehead.

Clare grinned contently and looked back down at the mail. The letter on top was addressed to them from Tim and Laurie Bauman. She looked back outside for a second before breaking the seal and slipping the contents out.

She read through the letter carefully. It told about how Luke wanted to see Eli and Clare again. It had been a year and a half since their last visitation. It also told them to bring Madison with again, since he adored the little girl.

Without a second thought, Clare agreed by nodding to herself. She wanted to see him again too.

That very moment, Eli walked in, carrying Madison. He raised an eyebrow at the look on his wife's face as she read through the letter again. He stepped behind her and read over her shoulder.

"So when are we going to visit him?" he asked automatically. Clare looked up and stood.

"They said that anytime next week would be great," she answered. She looked at her daughter and reached out to her. Madison almost jumped into her mother's arms.

"Awe we gonna go see Luke again?" the 3 year old asked, excited. Clare nodded.

"Yup, Madi."

The little girl clapped happily and hugged her mom.

*

Luke Bauman had grown up to be a tall and lean teenager. He had long brown hair and shining blue-green eyes. His face was also dusted with a layer of light freckles. To many, at least 13-year-old girls, he was very handsome.  
He had learned from an early age that he was adopted. He was 4 the first time he met Eli and Clare. He loved them. They were his parents after all. But it wasn't like they were his parents. He knew Laurie and Tim had taken that role. His biological parents were more like an aunt and uncle.

Sure, he had felt some bitterness when Madison was born. Why did they want her and not him? He felt like he'd just been thrown out. But Laurie quickly explained to him that Clare and Eli were only 15 and 16 when he was born. That made a little more since, but the rejection was still slightly there.

As he got into his pre-teen and early teen years, he really started to think of Clare and Eli as his parents more and more. He wanted to know everything about them. They were so fascinating! He would always send them letters asking about themselves. And whenever they met, which wasn't very often, he'd spend his time talking about what it was like when they were younger. Especially when he was born.

But the thing he loved more than that wasn't a thing at all. It was Madison. She was his little sister. She was beautiful and so full of life. The way she would hug him, even as a small two year old, had so much adoration in it that Luke couldn't help but love her.

He wanted so badly to become a part of their family again. He wanted to spend everyday with Clare and Eli and Madison. He wanted to be accepted as more than just their illegitimate mistake.

That was why, that particular time when he asked them to come, he was going to ask for them to retake custody of him. He knew it would break Tim and Laurie's hearts, but that didn't' matter to him.

*

The door to the Bauman's house opened and the first person to enter was Madison. She ran in and jumped right into Luke's arms, who was standing in the living room.  
"You've gotten so big, Madi," he commented, lifting her up.

She nodded at him, "I've gwown two inches!"

He smiled and bounced her up and down. Eli and Clare trailed in after her. His face lit up when he saw them.

"Hey mom…hey dad," he greeted. He had called them that for two years now. They didn't seem to care too much.

"How are you doing?" Clare asked. She walked up to him and gave him a one armed hug.

"Great," he responded. He bit his lip and continued on, "I wanted to ask you guys something though…it's important."

Eli stepped up, "What?"

Luke sighed and faced both his parents, "I want you to retake custody of me. So we can be like a family…a real family."

The room was silent for the longest time. Eli and Clare looked at each other and tried to take in what the boy had just said. He wanted to be with them…not his adoptive parents. How could they say no?

"I don't know…" Clare trailed off.

"Yeah," Eli jumped in, "Isn't that a bit much?"

"I want to be with you guys. I don't wanna be here anymore…I want to be able to see you everyday…I want to be able to hug my sister…and play with her…"

Both the adults nodded. They were going to try. As hard as they could…


End file.
